


Not Easy Being Green

by heyjupiter



Category: X-Men: First Class (2011) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Background Slash, Cosplay, Gen, muppets - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-21
Updated: 2012-12-21
Packaged: 2017-11-21 21:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjupiter/pseuds/heyjupiter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Surely you're not serious," he said.</i>
</p><p> <i>"Don't call me Shirley," Moira said, trying to keep a smirk off her face. "I'm showing you the ropes, remember? Now, do you want to be Kermit or Miss Piggy?"</i></p><p> <br/>Erik enlists Moira's help to get the perfect Christmas gift for his Muppet-loving boyfriend, Charles. Moira returns to her cosplayer roots and guides Erik through his first con. She's only doing it for Charles, and maybe because she misses fandom a little.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not Easy Being Green

**Author's Note:**

  * For [pocky_slash](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocky_slash/gifts).



> Written for pocky_slash's prompt: "Erik and Moira being badass, tentatively suspicious of each other buddies. Canon, post-canon non-divorce AU, modern AU, whatever you'd like. Background pairings are okay, but straight-up gen is fine too."
> 
> (Muppet cosplay is badass, right? Right?)

Moira MacTaggert was a highly trained FBI operative, and when she came back from her lunch break she sensed something was wrong the instant she made it through the security checkpoint. The receptionist's apologetic face gave it away, and Moira fixed her with an inquisitive look.

"Um, someone's here to see you, Agent MacTaggert?"

Moira looked around and saw no one in the department's small waiting area. "I don't have any meetings this afternoon," she said.

"He, ah, he's in your office." The receptionist winced. She was newly hired since the last time Moira had been at the New York field office, and Moira wasn't sure how much longer she'd be able to keep the job. But they could worry about that after the new year, unless there was a terrorist in Moira's office.

"Dammit, Jana, there are protocols--"

"I know, I'm sorry, he said he was your friend! He had a key to your office--"

"Goddammit," Moira muttered. She certainly hadn't given her office keys to anyone. She ran her tongue over her teeth to check for spinach and stalked off, only to find that her office was still locked. She was reasonably sure she knew who was waiting for her, but when she unlocked it she kept her pepper spray keychain out just in case. When she saw Erik Lehnsherr sitting behind her desk, she kept it in her hand and gestured angrily with it.

"What the fuck, Lehnsherr, you couldn't wait in the lobby like a normal person?"

He shrugged. "There weren't any good magazines and they wouldn't let me bring my phone in."

"No, they wouldn't, because I work for the FBI," Moira said.

Erik sighed and held out his hands in surrender. "Look, Moira--I came to ask you a favor."

That surprised Moira more than if there had been a terrorist waiting for her.

Erik was certainly better than any of the guys Charles had dated in college or after, but that didn't say much. He struck Moira as a brooding loner type. Certainly not one to ask favors of anyone, let alone her. She'd once told Charles she thought Erik was "Edward Cullen-y," and Charles had just laughed and said, "But in a good way, right?" That was the moment when she knew Charles was all in with this guy, and she'd better just get used to Erik if she wanted to stay in touch with Charles. So she and Erik had been polite to each other, but she'd never hung out with him without Charles to buffer between them.

"Go on," she said. "You're not in some kind of legal trouble, are you? Because--"

"No, God, Moira, it isn't that. I'm an engineer, not some kind of terrorist."

"I know. I looked up your file as soon as Charles told me your last name."

"Glad to know you're hard at work protecting our national security."

"Look, you would not _believe_ some of the guys Charles dated before you. I mean, I know he can read minds and all, but..." Moira shook her head. She realized she was still standing in the doorway, and she waved Erik out of her chair. She sat at her desk and he stood looking down at her.

"Well, I'm here to ask you about Charles, actually."

"Wait, is Charles okay? Is he in trouble?"

"If Charles were in trouble, I assure you, I would not be playing Spider solitaire on your office computer," Erik said coolly.

Moira nodded. "Fair enough. So..."

"Well. The holidays are coming up."

Moira's eyes widened. "Are you here to ask me what to get Charles for Christmas? Because I have a hard enough time figuring out what to get him myself."

Erik waved his hand dismissively. "Would you let me finish? I already know what I want to get him." He pulled a small photograph out of the pocket of his leather jacket and handed it to her.

Moira grinned; it was a photo of young Charles and Raven. Charles had a Kermit the Frog hand puppet and Raven had a Gonzo. "Adorable," she said. "And Charles still loves the Muppets."

Erik nodded. "Yes, I know. Raven told me that Charles always loved those puppets, but their stepbrother set them on fire the year after that photo was taken."

"What an asshole."

"Indeed."

"So... what do you need my help for?"

"I'm not sure where to go about finding a... Muppet puppet," Erik admitted.

"Seriously, Erik? You work on a computer all day and you don't know about eBay?"

"Of course I know about eBay," Erik snapped. "If eBay were an option, do you think I'd be here right now?"

"Did you get banned from eBay?"

"No. They're just very rare toys, and none have been posted online since I started looking a few months ago. I just thought... perhaps... "

"Spit it out, Lehnsherr, if I was going to hurt you I'd have already done it."

Erik ran a hand through his hair and said, "Charles told me that in college, you went to some... comics conventions."

Moira shrugged, wondering just how much Charles had told him. "Yeah, sure, who didn't?"

" _I_ didn't," he said. "And, well." He reached back into his jacket--which must have deep pockets--and pulled out a printout of a website. MuppetCon.org.

Moira looked at it, then up at Erik. "God, am I on Punked right now? Is that still a show?"

"What?"

"Is this for real? Are you for real asking me to go to MuppetCon with you?"

"Well. Yes. I suppose I am. I... I'll pay for your admission, I just... I don't like crowds. And I... would prefer if someone could show me the ropes. If you're available."

Moira looked back at the printout and considered. "Yeah, I'm available. We should only need badges for Saturday. It's not sold out, is it?"

Erik's eyebrows lifted. "You are suggesting that tickets for MuppetCon might... sell out?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, tickets for San Diego Comic Con sell out in a matter of hours. I don't think this one is as popular, though." She closed Erik's solitaire game and pulled up the MuppetCon website--after enabling Private Browsing. "We're fine. Plenty of tickets still available. Go home and buy yourself a Saturday-only ticket. I'll buy my own and I'll pick you up Saturday at 10am. And I'll bring something for you to wear."

Erik said, "... what kind of thing?"

"Trust me," Moira said. "I'll bring something so we can blend in."

Erik's eyes narrowed, but all he said was, "All right. I live at--"

"I know where you live," Moira said. "I'll see you at 10."

"I'd appreciate your discretion."

"I work for the FBI. I can keep a secret."

Erik nodded and said, "Saturday at 10, then."

"And Erik? Bring cash, not all the vendors take cards."

He acknowledged this with a nod and left without another word. Moira smiled to herself. She opened her personal email account and sent herself a link to MuppetCon, then got back to work on updating her case files. She was nothing if not professional, and the last thing she wanted was a co-worker walking in while she was looking at Muppets.

That night when she got home, Moira ordered herself a Saturday badge. Then she signed into her mostly-abandoned LiveJournal and sent out some pleas to her old cosplay communities. She was going to have _fun_ with Erik Lehnsherr.

Saturday morning, Moira took her Prius over to Erik's Upper East Side apartment. She circled the block a few times and found a spot, then took out her duffel bags and buzzed up to Erik's apartment.

"I'll be right down," Erik said.

"No, let me in," Moira said. "Unless you want to change clothes in the back of my car."

A long pause followed by a buzz, and Moira pulled open the door. Erik's apartment was very tidy and sparsely decorated, which didn't surprise Moira at all. The contents of Moira's bags _did_ surprise Erik.

"Surely you're not serious," he said.

"Don't call me Shirley," Moira said, trying to keep a smirk off her face. "I'm showing you the ropes, remember? Now, do you want to be Kermit or Miss Piggy?"

Erik crossed his arms. "This is humiliating."

Moira shrugged. "Sorry I couldn't find Statler and Waldorf costumes on such short notice. I'll be Kermit if you want, I don't care. But the longer we spend here, the more time other Muppet enthusiasts will have to purchase vintage puppets."

Erik narrowed his eyes and took the Kermit costume off to his bedroom without another word.

Moira locked herself in Erik's bathroom and pulled on her borrowed Miss Piggy costume, complete with feather boa. She went frequently undercover for her job, but she'd honestly missed the pure fun of cosplay. It didn't take her long to get changed, and she paced around Erik's living room. The only personal touch was a framed picture of Erik and Charles on the bookshelf, which she assumed was a gift from Charles. They _did_ make a cute couple.

Erik stepped out of his bedroom. He was dressed like Kermit the Frog, and there was murder in his eyes. She quickly snapped a picture of him with her phone and said, "Great! Let's go shopping."

"What are you doing with that photo?" he asked. His voice was a little too calm.

"Nothing, yet," she said. "I'm saving it in case Charles ever asks for proof of how much you love him. Or for blackmail. Could go either way."

Erik made a strangled sound and said, "How far away from here is your car?"

"Oh, it's just around the block," Moira chirped, her heels clicking down the stairs.

Erik tugged at the Kermit headpiece, which didn't quite cover his face, and he walked very briskly.

They listened to NPR in the car and neither of them said anything until Moira parked in a garage and announced that they'd have to walk a few blocks to the Javits Center. Even then, Erik didn't really talk so much as sighed. Inside the convention center, they picked up their badges and made their way to the Exhibit Hall. It wasn't very crowded yet, but their borrowed costumes were quite good and they attracted a fair amount of attention.

A pair of college kids asked to take pictures of them. Moira graciously agreed. Erik said nothing, but Moira was sure it was the angriest Kermit the Frog had ever looked. She led him around the hall, enjoying his increased frustration as they looked at tables of bootleg DVDs, books, toys, and homemade weirdness.

"I just wanted to get my boyfriend a goddamn frog puppet," he muttered.

"Language, Kermie," Moira said. Her phone gave a text alert before Erik could reply. She read it and smiled. "A little birdie told me to check out table 27." That meant they had to cross the length of the hall, stopping for several more photo ops before they got to their destination, a table marked "Brian's Toys."

"Hello," Moira said. "Are you Brian?"

Brian nodded. "It's an honor to meet you, Miss Piggy."

"Brian, I heard a rumor that you might have a mint-in-box 1978 Fisher-Price Kermit puppet for sale."

Brian glanced between the two of them. "I might," he said. "I might be persuaded to sell it to a true fan. But not if you two are going to use it for sex stuff. I couldn't deal with that."

Moira and Erik both crossed their arms and gave death stares. A few of the toys started to shake, and Moira diverted her death stare to Erik. The toy racks stilled.

Erik said, his voice haggard, "I just wanted to buy a puppet for my boyfriend for Christmas. I don't even celebrate Christmas. I've never even seen the Muppet Show. I just--please tell me how much your puppet costs."

Brian raised his eyebrows. "You've never seen the Muppet Show?"

"I didn't watch much TV as a child," Erik said.

"I can't sell this to you if you haven't seen the Muppet Show."

"Do you actually have this puppet or are you just fucking with us?" Moira asked, double-checking her phone.

Brian smiled and pulled a mint-in-box Kermit puppet out from under his table. "Nothing is more important to me than the Muppets," he said. "I have to find the right home for Kermit."

"Look, Brian, I promise you the guy we're buying this for is the best possible home for Kermit. He basically _is_ Kermit."

"Still. I have standards," Brian said. He tapped at his iPad and handed it to Erik. "I'm reasonably sure that you are pure of heart and do not intend to do weird sex stuff with Kermit. Nevertheless, I must insist that you watch this before I will part with my puppet."

Erik took the iPad, which had Muppets on the screen. "How much are you selling it for?"

"For you? $200. Because you are pure of heart." Brian tapped a sign on his table that said "Cash only" and Moira was glad she'd warned Erik. She remembered too well resenting ATM fees back in her con days.

"I... fine. That's fine," Erik said. Moira agreed with Erik's instinct not to negotiate with Brian. He didn't seem quite rational. Erik hit play on the iPad. Moira peered over his shoulder--it was a good episode, the one with Mark Hamill. "How much of this do I have to watch?" Erik asked.

"All of it," Brian said, as if it were obvious. And, well, maybe it should have been obvious by that point. They stood next to Brian's booth watching the Muppet Show. Moira felt good. Their goal seemed attainable. Charles finally seemed to be dating a guy who deserved him. In twenty-two minutes, Erik could purchase his long-sought-after puppet. Then someone tapped her on the shoulder. Moira turned and saw a tall guy dressed like Sam the Eagle.

"Moira?" he asked.

She peered underneath the blue makeup. "Oh my God, Nick?"

He grinned. "I see you got my message. Where've you been? Haven't seen you around lately."

"God, just super busy with work."

"Didn't know you were a Muppet fan."

"I... well, it's kind of a long story," she said.

"Did your Kermit drag you into this?" Nick asked, sizing up Erik.

"What? Oh, well, kind of? This is my friend's boyfriend Erik. I'm just--his guide into the world of cons. He wants to buy the puppet for my friend."

"Ah," Nick said, nodding. "Well, Erik, you got yourself a great guide. Has she told you about the time she drunkenly threw herself at Wil Wheat--"

"Nope, that did not happen," Moira hissed. Brian looked on with interest.

"Wait, Moira?" he asked. "Did you used to have that great Batwoman costume?"

Moira sighed. "Yes. I did."

"Cool. Didn't know you were into the Muppets."

"I... yes. I care deeply about the Muppets."

Erik, to his credit, was doing a reasonable impression of someone focused entirely on the iPad in front of him and not on the chaos surrounding him.

"Wow, you three have great costumes! Can I get a picture with you?" a girl asked.

"No," Nick and Erik said in unison.

Moira shrugged. "You can take one with me if you want." The girl handed her camera to Nick and Moira put an arm around her. She was barely recognizable under the Piggy headpiece, anyway, so what did she care? Anyway, when she was undercover for work, no one _appreciated_ the craft.

The girl wandered off and Moira and Nick started catching up. It turned out that he was working for the government too, though he was vague about it. They'd met on a DC Comics community years ago and had hung out at some cons together back in the day, but Moira had largely given up fandom when she finally got her dream job with the FBI and they'd fallen out of contact. It turned out that Nick didn't devote much time to fandom anymore either, but he'd made an exception for MuppetCon.

"I just love those motherfucking Muppets," he confided.

"Yeah, they're pretty fun, I guess," Moira said.

Nick laughed. He had a deep, rumbly laugh that Moira didn't dislike. "Well, what's on your agenda for the rest of the day? You going to any panels?"

"Actually... I pretty much just came here to help Erik buy a puppet."

"Oh, and Brian won't sell it to him until he's sure he's pure of heart?"

"What? Yeah, exactly. What's his deal?" Moira whispered.

"Uh... I'll tell you later," Nick whispered back. "After your friend actually has his puppet in hand."

"Right. Well, look, I owe you for sending me the tip. Can I buy you a drink after this?"

Nick grinned. "Thought you'd never ask." It was coming back to Moira now, they way they'd flirted back in the day. The way he'd appreciated the detailing on her Batwoman costume as much as he'd appreciated what it did to her figure. (And for that matter, she remembered the way she'd appreciated his Batman costume and what it did to his abs.) It was fun to have the common language of fandom between them, even if she wasn't quite as knowledgeable about this particular fandom as he was.

Nick talked her through the convention program until Erik finally joined them. He had a brown paper bag in his hand and a tortured look on his face. "I got it," he whispered. "I got the puppet. Thank you, Moira."

"You earned it, Erik. You're pure of heart," Moira said seriously.

"Can we please get out of here now?" he asked, not quite begging.

Moira looked at Nick, then back at Erik. She grinned. "Nope. We're going to the Frank Oz panel. I'll give you a ride home afterward. Or you can take the subway..."

Erik scowled. Nick said, "It's not easy being green, man."

"Just one panel," Moira said, "and I'll take you home. Scout's honor."

"Fine," Erik said.

"You won't be sorry," Nick said. "Frank Oz is fucking legit."

Moira soothed, "Just close your eyes and think of England. Or your adorable pseudo-English boyfriend, anyway."

Moira let Nick lead them to one of the ballrooms, letting him fill her in on Muppet fan gossip. Erik glowered behind them, carefully cradling the puppet. While they waited for Frank Oz to take the stage, Erik texted Charles, Nick held her hand, and the Muppet Movie soundtrack advised them, "Life's like a movie, write your own ending."


End file.
